Marci's Chapter

It's My Fault: This Isn’t Working Anymore
Marci’s Chapter

I would like to introduce you to Marci. You know her, I’m sure. Marci is 6 foot something, built with long beautiful legs, a tiny waist, porcelain features, and perfect hair. Marci is the friend that is always mistaken for a model. Everyone knows that she’s drop-dead gorgeous, except of course, her. Not only is Marci the “hot” one, but she’s also smart. She is goal-oriented, independent, educated, well-spoken, self-sufficient, career-driven, and passionate. She is the total package. She is not just a pretty face or a smoking body. She is the real deal. She is what every man should want. And yet she is alone.

Why is Marci alone? Marci is alone because she believes what the world tells her. She believes that she is not skinny enough, smart enough, tall enough, blonde enough, or glamorous enough to be the number one choice of any man she meets (as her friend, we are enraged because she is all of those things and more). (See Self-Reflection 1) Marci is alone because she believes she is only good enough for mediocre. While Marci says that she wants the kind of guy who adores her, respects her, appreciates her for who she is, is educated and passionate, and humble and attractive, she only ever ends up with the exact opposite. It doesn’t ever seem to faze her that the guys she dates don’t ever meet the criteria of her list. (See Self-Reflection 2) As an example, let me introduce you to Marci’s last relationship and following break-up.

Mark is an Anthropology major. Mark is good looking, intellectual, and humorous. It seems like a good match as they are both well-liked, top of their class, and extremely attractive, ironically looking like a real life version of Ken and Barbie. They share long educated discussions, walks in the park, light-hearted laughter, and have excellent kissing compatibility.

I’d like to say that the sex was great, but unfortunately, the sex was the horrific jack-rabbit style that all women know exists, but are confused as to how it’s managed to survive. It’s awkward and mind befuddling. Every excruciating moment is one moment too long and would be time better spent painting one’s nails or changing the litter box. But, we must put in our time because we believe that the spark exists and this is what you do to make your man happy and to keep the relationship alive. (See Self-Reflection 3)

Unfortunately, as time progressed, it became clear that this relationship is not all it’s cracked up to be. You see, Marci is very demanding of Mark’s time. She wants to spend quality time together. Mark can’t understand why every other night, between the hours of 10pm and 5 am, is just not enough for Marci. They are sleeping together, and that’s quality time enough. Marci is so needy. She wants him to accompany her to meet her friends and go places that are not on his “regulars” list. It really is Marci’s fault that things are starting to go down hill and ultimately that their relationship is ending. (See Self-Reflection 4)

One snowy day (please note, Marci has the power to control the weather), Mark was on campus turning in a paper (that Marci of course told the teacher to assign). He was on his way off campus, when due to the icy road conditions (Marci forgot to tell the maintenance crew to heavily salt that area of campus), Mark was accidentally rear-ended by another student (Marci told her to do this). Because of the bad weather, neither Mark nor the student felt it was in their best interests to report the incident to the authorities or exchange insurance and contact information (both following Marci’s recommendations, even though of course she was not present to make them).

Days later, the student that hit Mark decided to file charges against Mark so that she could have her car repaired. As this was a “he said, she said” situation, and the other student reported the incident first, Mark became named as the “at-fault” driver (all going according to Marci’s plot). This student had a relationship with certain high level decision makers on campus (Marci’s handiwork again, even though she was a mere student herself with no connections), and as such, was named as the victim and Mark the criminal. The entire situation (Marci’s masterwork), enraged Mark and sent him into a fury and blind rage of injustice towards the University. He was going to dis-enroll from his classes and drop out for the remainder of the school year. He was also going to transfer schools as the thought of giving such a Nazi-regime University his money was loathsome and unimaginable.

Marci was assigned the task (by Mark) of going to each of Mark’s professor’s, explaining the situation, and asking them for their assistance to get Mark through the semester with no smudge on his academic record. She collected homework assignments, group work notes, and so on to pass along to Mark at his home so he could complete the semester. As the weeks went by and the facade to friends and family became too much to keep up, Marci began becoming discontent over the entire situation. Why was she doing all this work for a man who no longer respected her, treated her well, was grateful for her actions, and who humped her like a jack-rabbit? (See Self-Reflection 5)

So, she decided to give Mark one last opportunity to save their relationship. (See Self-Reflection 6) She went to Mark and voiced all of her concerns. When she was finished, Mark proceeded to justify each of his shortcomings, pointing out to Marci, how really each of them was really all her fault. He patiently went over the list one more time. She was demanding of his time; she was needy; she wasn’t as good in bed as he thought she should be; she plotted against him with Mother Nature, the campus maintenance crew, fellow students, high level University officials, his professors and peers, and all other powers that be; and to top it all off, she is not being supportive of his current decision to abandon his academic career over the entire incident. Didn’t she know that good girlfriends always stand by their man? It is her fault that he was closing himself off. It is her fault that this isn’t working out. (See Self-Reflection 7)

Astounded by the complete lack of logical thinking or conclusions, Marci walked out on Mark. Left him alone, to wallow in his bath of misery. Marci realized that what her friends and family had been saying all along was right. Mark was a self-involved ass, and Marci was better than that. It wasn’t her fault that he couldn’t deal with the things life threw his way, but it was her fault that she always seemed to stay with these kinds of men.

Self-Reflection & Actions:

1) Take a realistic look at your self. What are your strengths, talents, skills, good attributes? Make a list. Transfer the list to Post-it Notes. One item per Post-it. Put them in places you’ll see them everyday. Surround yourself in your positive attributes.

2) What criteria are on your list? Do the men you date meet those criteria? How much are you willing to compromise this list? Why? What would your future relationships look like if you only dated men who met the criteria of your list?

3) “We must put in our time because we believe that the spark exists and this is what you do to make your man happy and to keep the relationship alive.”

If you have convinced yourself of this line of reasoning, ask yourself: Is he happy? Are you happy? Is the relationship still alive or just surviving? Maybe it’s time to get out from under the jack-rabbit…

4) Are you really making unreasonable requests? Are you smothering him or is it really about something going on with him? Is he striking out at you for seemingly small and everyday things? If so, it’s not really about you, is it? Take responsibility for only the things you’ve actually done.

5) What reasoning have you given yourself to agree to stay in a souring relationship? What reasons do you still have to stay? What reasons do you have to leave? Why have you agreed to help? What are you getting in return?

6) What could he possibly say to save the relationship? Will the words be enough? What has to be different in order to stay? How long does he have to change the situation? What will be your response when he doesn’t? Will you actually follow through?

7) What would the relationship look like if it were working? What do the two of you do well together? Is that enough to work it through? Can you get to a place where this particular relationship will look like it is working? How do you get there? Or do you find someone that can help you create a working relationship?