A week ago I went to see the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" with some girlfriends. It was exactly what I expected it to be...reminded me of "Under the Tuscan Sun"
The story is always the same. Successful business woman goes through a nasty divorce that leaves her questioning her sense of identity. She has no children, no true responsibilities. She packs up her belongings and starts over, embarking upon a spiritual journey. A journey of self-discovery in a foreign land, i.e. Tuscany, Rome, India, or Bali. She discovers new friends, smells, tastes, life-styles, and lovers. She is inspired by the love around her, and slowly but surely, she builds herself back up from her ruins, to discover she is worthy of love, and thus love finds her. He holds a mirror to her face and shows her that the woman within that she has always been, is the woman he wants to love for a lifetime. He was just out there, waiting for her to rediscover her true self.
But what about the rest of us? What about those of us tied into place by our lives? Those of us strapped here by family, responsibilities, and lacking the previous financial success that affords us to move across the world and renovate a villa to our liking? What of us who do not already have a publisher contact who will happily publish our personal unveiling? What of us who are just as unhappy in our personal lives, and have lost our true identities in the situations, relationships, and the daily grind that surrounds us?
And what about love? What about those of us that once believed in the power of love, but have only ever been scared by love’s immense heat and find ourselves amidst only ashes? What is there isn’t someone out there for everyone? What if love never finds us? Can we still be complete, love and fully be loved if we never meet our “Mr. Right”? Can we be our own Prince Charming and can we get a “Happily Ever After”? What about those of us meant to go it alone? Who will tell our story?
So, I venture to see if the rest of the world, outside of Hollywood Fairytales, can find happiness. I have two $11/hr jobs, no health insurance, barely making ends meet, with a Masters Degree and a dream. I believe luck isn’t something you have that makes you successful. But success is what you make of your life. Here goes the challenge…making your life what you want it to be, rediscovering the "you" lost, and doing it all in the life we already have.
One line I liked from the movie..."Ruins are a gift. From ruins comes transformation. "
Steps:
Celibacy: Sex and relationships for 3 months.
Tai Chi: Find a studio
Gym: Actually go. Minimum 3 times a week. 6 am. Make it a point to get up for my life.
Food: Change what it means. Its nourishment and not a comfort item.
Family: Set boundaries, make ammends, find my voice.
Friends: Remember what it means to be a good one and keep striving everyday to be the kind of friend that I need.
Job: Find one. Attack leads. Be fervent.
The EX…be done. No more memories, hate, stories, rendezvous… be DONE.
Ask best friend for permission in all aspects of important decision making.
No more excuses...just make my life what I want it to be and find the confident,intelligent, worthy woman I tell all my friends that they truly are...
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
It's My Fault Your Ex Was Crazy
It's My Fault Your Ex Was Crazy...
All right ladies and friends, I'm pretty sure that I have become the poster child for "Rebound Relationship". I have a radar that hones in on men who are just coming out of a horrific, vile, damaging, and destructive relationship. And while I am a good person, with good intentions, and a huge heart, I somehow become the scapegoat or "practice person". I get the brunt of every learning lesson and become the victim of relationships past ghosts or as I refer to them, demons and medusas...
Here are the things that I have encountered as the rebound...
1. I don't go to anyone else's place b/c my ex ALWAYS made me go to her house.
2. I don't have sex in any position but the ones I like, b/c my ex NEVER let me do the positions I liked.
3. I don't answer phone calls or texts or respond to voicemails, b/c my ex made me do that.
4. I don't make plans or commitments, b/c my ex was always planning my time for me.
5. I don't let women make me meals b/c my ex never liked what I cooked and I want to make what I want.
6. I don't meet my girl friend's friends b/c they will just nag me like my ex's friends.
7. I don't have to talk to you for days at a time or give you any reason why I'm not talking to you b/c my time is my time and I don't have to care about your feelings or act like a decent human being b/c my ex was crazy.
8. I don't like it when you breathe b/c my ex used to breathe.
9. I don't like to talk about sex b/c my ex thought I was bad in bed and you probably do too.
10. I don't believe in birthdays or celebrating them b/c my ex never let me celebrate mine.
11. I don't do nice things for women just to show them I care b/c my ex never appreciated that and I refuse to spend any money or energy on women anymore.
You see where all of this is going...yes, you had a crazy ex. Yes, she treated you like shit. But, I was under the impression that was over, you broke up, and you're moving on. As you asked me out and started up something with me, I mistakenly thought that I could just be me and allow you to be you, and we could get to know one another. I have had some awful relationships and have dated the biggest narcissistic douche bags this side of the Pacos, but I would never punish you for their mistakes, it's a bit surprising that I am so easily punished for the mistakes of your ex. I agree you are coming from a wounded and defensive place, but if all is so horrible, why are you messing around in relationships to begin with? If you are so angry and hurt and "gettin yours" do you have to do it in such a destructive manner that you are doing to another human being what your ex did to you? Does another person who has never wronged you deserve to pay the price for your ex's actions? I think not.
So, you have seen the signs ladies. When those words are uttered "Well my ex used to..." Just run. Get out. They are clearly not over their last relationship. They are still sifting thru the wreckage and hauling around all that baggage. Yes, I am sure they are great people with big hearts and limitless potential, but it's just not time to try to be anything special to them. You can resign yourself to being a friend, but anything more than that is just a joke. You are better than being someone's rebound. Someone's scapegoat and whipping post.
It's not your fault their ex was crazy, but it is your fault you are their rebound.
All right ladies and friends, I'm pretty sure that I have become the poster child for "Rebound Relationship". I have a radar that hones in on men who are just coming out of a horrific, vile, damaging, and destructive relationship. And while I am a good person, with good intentions, and a huge heart, I somehow become the scapegoat or "practice person". I get the brunt of every learning lesson and become the victim of relationships past ghosts or as I refer to them, demons and medusas...
Here are the things that I have encountered as the rebound...
1. I don't go to anyone else's place b/c my ex ALWAYS made me go to her house.
2. I don't have sex in any position but the ones I like, b/c my ex NEVER let me do the positions I liked.
3. I don't answer phone calls or texts or respond to voicemails, b/c my ex made me do that.
4. I don't make plans or commitments, b/c my ex was always planning my time for me.
5. I don't let women make me meals b/c my ex never liked what I cooked and I want to make what I want.
6. I don't meet my girl friend's friends b/c they will just nag me like my ex's friends.
7. I don't have to talk to you for days at a time or give you any reason why I'm not talking to you b/c my time is my time and I don't have to care about your feelings or act like a decent human being b/c my ex was crazy.
8. I don't like it when you breathe b/c my ex used to breathe.
9. I don't like to talk about sex b/c my ex thought I was bad in bed and you probably do too.
10. I don't believe in birthdays or celebrating them b/c my ex never let me celebrate mine.
11. I don't do nice things for women just to show them I care b/c my ex never appreciated that and I refuse to spend any money or energy on women anymore.
You see where all of this is going...yes, you had a crazy ex. Yes, she treated you like shit. But, I was under the impression that was over, you broke up, and you're moving on. As you asked me out and started up something with me, I mistakenly thought that I could just be me and allow you to be you, and we could get to know one another. I have had some awful relationships and have dated the biggest narcissistic douche bags this side of the Pacos, but I would never punish you for their mistakes, it's a bit surprising that I am so easily punished for the mistakes of your ex. I agree you are coming from a wounded and defensive place, but if all is so horrible, why are you messing around in relationships to begin with? If you are so angry and hurt and "gettin yours" do you have to do it in such a destructive manner that you are doing to another human being what your ex did to you? Does another person who has never wronged you deserve to pay the price for your ex's actions? I think not.
So, you have seen the signs ladies. When those words are uttered "Well my ex used to..." Just run. Get out. They are clearly not over their last relationship. They are still sifting thru the wreckage and hauling around all that baggage. Yes, I am sure they are great people with big hearts and limitless potential, but it's just not time to try to be anything special to them. You can resign yourself to being a friend, but anything more than that is just a joke. You are better than being someone's rebound. Someone's scapegoat and whipping post.
It's not your fault their ex was crazy, but it is your fault you are their rebound.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Marci's Chapter
It's My Fault: This Isn’t Working Anymore
Marci’s Chapter
I would like to introduce you to Marci. You know her, I’m sure. Marci is 6 foot something, built with long beautiful legs, a tiny waist, porcelain features, and perfect hair. Marci is the friend that is always mistaken for a model. Everyone knows that she’s drop-dead gorgeous, except of course, her. Not only is Marci the “hot” one, but she’s also smart. She is goal-oriented, independent, educated, well-spoken, self-sufficient, career-driven, and passionate. She is the total package. She is not just a pretty face or a smoking body. She is the real deal. She is what every man should want. And yet she is alone.
Why is Marci alone? Marci is alone because she believes what the world tells her. She believes that she is not skinny enough, smart enough, tall enough, blonde enough, or glamorous enough to be the number one choice of any man she meets (as her friend, we are enraged because she is all of those things and more). (See Self-Reflection 1) Marci is alone because she believes she is only good enough for mediocre. While Marci says that she wants the kind of guy who adores her, respects her, appreciates her for who she is, is educated and passionate, and humble and attractive, she only ever ends up with the exact opposite. It doesn’t ever seem to faze her that the guys she dates don’t ever meet the criteria of her list. (See Self-Reflection 2) As an example, let me introduce you to Marci’s last relationship and following break-up.
Mark is an Anthropology major. Mark is good looking, intellectual, and humorous. It seems like a good match as they are both well-liked, top of their class, and extremely attractive, ironically looking like a real life version of Ken and Barbie. They share long educated discussions, walks in the park, light-hearted laughter, and have excellent kissing compatibility.
I’d like to say that the sex was great, but unfortunately, the sex was the horrific jack-rabbit style that all women know exists, but are confused as to how it’s managed to survive. It’s awkward and mind befuddling. Every excruciating moment is one moment too long and would be time better spent painting one’s nails or changing the litter box. But, we must put in our time because we believe that the spark exists and this is what you do to make your man happy and to keep the relationship alive. (See Self-Reflection 3)
Unfortunately, as time progressed, it became clear that this relationship is not all it’s cracked up to be. You see, Marci is very demanding of Mark’s time. She wants to spend quality time together. Mark can’t understand why every other night, between the hours of 10pm and 5 am, is just not enough for Marci. They are sleeping together, and that’s quality time enough. Marci is so needy. She wants him to accompany her to meet her friends and go places that are not on his “regulars” list. It really is Marci’s fault that things are starting to go down hill and ultimately that their relationship is ending. (See Self-Reflection 4)
One snowy day (please note, Marci has the power to control the weather), Mark was on campus turning in a paper (that Marci of course told the teacher to assign). He was on his way off campus, when due to the icy road conditions (Marci forgot to tell the maintenance crew to heavily salt that area of campus), Mark was accidentally rear-ended by another student (Marci told her to do this). Because of the bad weather, neither Mark nor the student felt it was in their best interests to report the incident to the authorities or exchange insurance and contact information (both following Marci’s recommendations, even though of course she was not present to make them).
Days later, the student that hit Mark decided to file charges against Mark so that she could have her car repaired. As this was a “he said, she said” situation, and the other student reported the incident first, Mark became named as the “at-fault” driver (all going according to Marci’s plot). This student had a relationship with certain high level decision makers on campus (Marci’s handiwork again, even though she was a mere student herself with no connections), and as such, was named as the victim and Mark the criminal. The entire situation (Marci’s masterwork), enraged Mark and sent him into a fury and blind rage of injustice towards the University. He was going to dis-enroll from his classes and drop out for the remainder of the school year. He was also going to transfer schools as the thought of giving such a Nazi-regime University his money was loathsome and unimaginable.
Marci was assigned the task (by Mark) of going to each of Mark’s professor’s, explaining the situation, and asking them for their assistance to get Mark through the semester with no smudge on his academic record. She collected homework assignments, group work notes, and so on to pass along to Mark at his home so he could complete the semester. As the weeks went by and the facade to friends and family became too much to keep up, Marci began becoming discontent over the entire situation. Why was she doing all this work for a man who no longer respected her, treated her well, was grateful for her actions, and who humped her like a jack-rabbit? (See Self-Reflection 5)
So, she decided to give Mark one last opportunity to save their relationship. (See Self-Reflection 6) She went to Mark and voiced all of her concerns. When she was finished, Mark proceeded to justify each of his shortcomings, pointing out to Marci, how really each of them was really all her fault. He patiently went over the list one more time. She was demanding of his time; she was needy; she wasn’t as good in bed as he thought she should be; she plotted against him with Mother Nature, the campus maintenance crew, fellow students, high level University officials, his professors and peers, and all other powers that be; and to top it all off, she is not being supportive of his current decision to abandon his academic career over the entire incident. Didn’t she know that good girlfriends always stand by their man? It is her fault that he was closing himself off. It is her fault that this isn’t working out. (See Self-Reflection 7)
Astounded by the complete lack of logical thinking or conclusions, Marci walked out on Mark. Left him alone, to wallow in his bath of misery. Marci realized that what her friends and family had been saying all along was right. Mark was a self-involved ass, and Marci was better than that. It wasn’t her fault that he couldn’t deal with the things life threw his way, but it was her fault that she always seemed to stay with these kinds of men.
Self-Reflection & Actions:
1) Take a realistic look at your self. What are your strengths, talents, skills, good attributes? Make a list. Transfer the list to Post-it Notes. One item per Post-it. Put them in places you’ll see them everyday. Surround yourself in your positive attributes.
2) What criteria are on your list? Do the men you date meet those criteria? How much are you willing to compromise this list? Why? What would your future relationships look like if you only dated men who met the criteria of your list?
3) “We must put in our time because we believe that the spark exists and this is what you do to make your man happy and to keep the relationship alive.”
If you have convinced yourself of this line of reasoning, ask yourself: Is he happy? Are you happy? Is the relationship still alive or just surviving? Maybe it’s time to get out from under the jack-rabbit…
4) Are you really making unreasonable requests? Are you smothering him or is it really about something going on with him? Is he striking out at you for seemingly small and everyday things? If so, it’s not really about you, is it? Take responsibility for only the things you’ve actually done.
5) What reasoning have you given yourself to agree to stay in a souring relationship? What reasons do you still have to stay? What reasons do you have to leave? Why have you agreed to help? What are you getting in return?
6) What could he possibly say to save the relationship? Will the words be enough? What has to be different in order to stay? How long does he have to change the situation? What will be your response when he doesn’t? Will you actually follow through?
7) What would the relationship look like if it were working? What do the two of you do well together? Is that enough to work it through? Can you get to a place where this particular relationship will look like it is working? How do you get there? Or do you find someone that can help you create a working relationship?
Marci’s Chapter
I would like to introduce you to Marci. You know her, I’m sure. Marci is 6 foot something, built with long beautiful legs, a tiny waist, porcelain features, and perfect hair. Marci is the friend that is always mistaken for a model. Everyone knows that she’s drop-dead gorgeous, except of course, her. Not only is Marci the “hot” one, but she’s also smart. She is goal-oriented, independent, educated, well-spoken, self-sufficient, career-driven, and passionate. She is the total package. She is not just a pretty face or a smoking body. She is the real deal. She is what every man should want. And yet she is alone.
Why is Marci alone? Marci is alone because she believes what the world tells her. She believes that she is not skinny enough, smart enough, tall enough, blonde enough, or glamorous enough to be the number one choice of any man she meets (as her friend, we are enraged because she is all of those things and more). (See Self-Reflection 1) Marci is alone because she believes she is only good enough for mediocre. While Marci says that she wants the kind of guy who adores her, respects her, appreciates her for who she is, is educated and passionate, and humble and attractive, she only ever ends up with the exact opposite. It doesn’t ever seem to faze her that the guys she dates don’t ever meet the criteria of her list. (See Self-Reflection 2) As an example, let me introduce you to Marci’s last relationship and following break-up.
Mark is an Anthropology major. Mark is good looking, intellectual, and humorous. It seems like a good match as they are both well-liked, top of their class, and extremely attractive, ironically looking like a real life version of Ken and Barbie. They share long educated discussions, walks in the park, light-hearted laughter, and have excellent kissing compatibility.
I’d like to say that the sex was great, but unfortunately, the sex was the horrific jack-rabbit style that all women know exists, but are confused as to how it’s managed to survive. It’s awkward and mind befuddling. Every excruciating moment is one moment too long and would be time better spent painting one’s nails or changing the litter box. But, we must put in our time because we believe that the spark exists and this is what you do to make your man happy and to keep the relationship alive. (See Self-Reflection 3)
Unfortunately, as time progressed, it became clear that this relationship is not all it’s cracked up to be. You see, Marci is very demanding of Mark’s time. She wants to spend quality time together. Mark can’t understand why every other night, between the hours of 10pm and 5 am, is just not enough for Marci. They are sleeping together, and that’s quality time enough. Marci is so needy. She wants him to accompany her to meet her friends and go places that are not on his “regulars” list. It really is Marci’s fault that things are starting to go down hill and ultimately that their relationship is ending. (See Self-Reflection 4)
One snowy day (please note, Marci has the power to control the weather), Mark was on campus turning in a paper (that Marci of course told the teacher to assign). He was on his way off campus, when due to the icy road conditions (Marci forgot to tell the maintenance crew to heavily salt that area of campus), Mark was accidentally rear-ended by another student (Marci told her to do this). Because of the bad weather, neither Mark nor the student felt it was in their best interests to report the incident to the authorities or exchange insurance and contact information (both following Marci’s recommendations, even though of course she was not present to make them).
Days later, the student that hit Mark decided to file charges against Mark so that she could have her car repaired. As this was a “he said, she said” situation, and the other student reported the incident first, Mark became named as the “at-fault” driver (all going according to Marci’s plot). This student had a relationship with certain high level decision makers on campus (Marci’s handiwork again, even though she was a mere student herself with no connections), and as such, was named as the victim and Mark the criminal. The entire situation (Marci’s masterwork), enraged Mark and sent him into a fury and blind rage of injustice towards the University. He was going to dis-enroll from his classes and drop out for the remainder of the school year. He was also going to transfer schools as the thought of giving such a Nazi-regime University his money was loathsome and unimaginable.
Marci was assigned the task (by Mark) of going to each of Mark’s professor’s, explaining the situation, and asking them for their assistance to get Mark through the semester with no smudge on his academic record. She collected homework assignments, group work notes, and so on to pass along to Mark at his home so he could complete the semester. As the weeks went by and the facade to friends and family became too much to keep up, Marci began becoming discontent over the entire situation. Why was she doing all this work for a man who no longer respected her, treated her well, was grateful for her actions, and who humped her like a jack-rabbit? (See Self-Reflection 5)
So, she decided to give Mark one last opportunity to save their relationship. (See Self-Reflection 6) She went to Mark and voiced all of her concerns. When she was finished, Mark proceeded to justify each of his shortcomings, pointing out to Marci, how really each of them was really all her fault. He patiently went over the list one more time. She was demanding of his time; she was needy; she wasn’t as good in bed as he thought she should be; she plotted against him with Mother Nature, the campus maintenance crew, fellow students, high level University officials, his professors and peers, and all other powers that be; and to top it all off, she is not being supportive of his current decision to abandon his academic career over the entire incident. Didn’t she know that good girlfriends always stand by their man? It is her fault that he was closing himself off. It is her fault that this isn’t working out. (See Self-Reflection 7)
Astounded by the complete lack of logical thinking or conclusions, Marci walked out on Mark. Left him alone, to wallow in his bath of misery. Marci realized that what her friends and family had been saying all along was right. Mark was a self-involved ass, and Marci was better than that. It wasn’t her fault that he couldn’t deal with the things life threw his way, but it was her fault that she always seemed to stay with these kinds of men.
Self-Reflection & Actions:
1) Take a realistic look at your self. What are your strengths, talents, skills, good attributes? Make a list. Transfer the list to Post-it Notes. One item per Post-it. Put them in places you’ll see them everyday. Surround yourself in your positive attributes.
2) What criteria are on your list? Do the men you date meet those criteria? How much are you willing to compromise this list? Why? What would your future relationships look like if you only dated men who met the criteria of your list?
3) “We must put in our time because we believe that the spark exists and this is what you do to make your man happy and to keep the relationship alive.”
If you have convinced yourself of this line of reasoning, ask yourself: Is he happy? Are you happy? Is the relationship still alive or just surviving? Maybe it’s time to get out from under the jack-rabbit…
4) Are you really making unreasonable requests? Are you smothering him or is it really about something going on with him? Is he striking out at you for seemingly small and everyday things? If so, it’s not really about you, is it? Take responsibility for only the things you’ve actually done.
5) What reasoning have you given yourself to agree to stay in a souring relationship? What reasons do you still have to stay? What reasons do you have to leave? Why have you agreed to help? What are you getting in return?
6) What could he possibly say to save the relationship? Will the words be enough? What has to be different in order to stay? How long does he have to change the situation? What will be your response when he doesn’t? Will you actually follow through?
7) What would the relationship look like if it were working? What do the two of you do well together? Is that enough to work it through? Can you get to a place where this particular relationship will look like it is working? How do you get there? Or do you find someone that can help you create a working relationship?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Mystery
The Mystery
How is it, no matter how successful, confident, intelligent, attractive, or independent a woman is, she can manage to convince herself she is responsible for all the turmoil in her relationships? How is it no matter how clear-cut a situation, women still blame themselves for anything that can, did, or will go wrong? Remarkably, if the same situation were to occur to any of our friends, families, co-workers, or peers, we would be able to correctly identify the wrong-doer without even blinking. I am not innocent; I am the poster child of “It’s My Fault”. I have the amazing ability to blame myself for whatever happens in a relationship, and to be the first to say sorry in just about any situation (like the time I apologized for putting the toilet seat down at a boyfriend’s apartment.)
Now, I’m not trying to bash men here; that is not my intention. I love men, but we don’t always seem to see eye to eye. Even the ones I consider to be my best friends still perplex and puzzle me (like how they know the major stats of every player on 30 different teams, but can’t remember their mother’s birthday). It’s not that I think they are heartless; they just want what they want. While it is human nature for all of us to seek things that are in our best interests and to satisfy our own personal needs, the men I know seem to be a little more inclined to violate certain emotional rules to attain and satisfy those “needs”. They know how to manipulate women to get what they want (and sometimes they are convinced that they need). They are great at whispering the pretty little nothings in our ears and telling us everything we want to hear. Can you blame them; it works.
It works because women want to be whispered beautiful things. We need to be built up before we give in (and that’s to anything). As time marches on, the whispers lead to our hearts, and eventually our hearts become a little more involved then we would like them to be, or admit they become. For women, it’s inherently a bit harder to “love ‘em and leave ‘em”. We want to “love ‘em and keep ‘em”, at least long enough to feel justified in our attachment…or at least last night’s actions. We want them to want us for as long as we want them (ok, truth be told, we want them to always want us, even when we don’t want them). It’s a pretty simple equation.
(Now, in defense of men worldwide, I know they have hearts, and feel, and have been damaged, but men seem to be made of a thicker, bouncier material, and as such bounce back more vibrantly than the women I know. I want to also acknowledge I have seen, and know, women can be just as manipulative as men. But I’ve seen this most commonly in retaliation for some situation gone astray with the men in their lives.)
Back to the topic at hand...Men have a great knack for pawning off blame. They don’t like to be wrong (unless of course, saying so will get them a little action). Being wrong damages their ego and somehow makes them less of a man. I don’t believe they intend to convince the women in their lives the issue in their relationships is entirely the woman’s fault, but who else are they going to blame if it isn’t their fault? There are two people in a relationship, and if it’s not their fault, that only leaves one other person, the woman.
I am no relationship expert. I haven’t had one healthy or successful relationship yet (although how many single people have? Isn’t that why we are still single?). While I hope this blog produces some laughs, I also hope it provides perspective, insight, and empowerment. Many of the stories relayed are a bit ridiculous, others are a bit more serious, while others may hit a little too close to home. I find seeing these stories through others eyes makes them a bit easier to digest, and ultimately to deal with. I am not here to give out advice or tell you how to find and be in a healthy and happy relationship. I just know too many women who have resigned themselves to be in far-from-perfect relationships. They would rather be unhappy with someone than alone. Is that really the only alternative there is? All I’m suggesting is there are other possibilities. I’m asking you to take a look at who you are, what you want, what you have, what you’re willing to leave behind, what you’re not willing to give up, and to open yourself up to the idea something better exists. This blog isn’t really about the men in the stories; it’s about your reaction to them. Why would you rather just say you are sorry to smooth things out, then to just talk about what’s really going on? Why do we fight so hard for them, but we won’t put forth the same effort for our selves? Maybe you know this, or maybe you suspect this to be true, but you are something special. You are worth fighting for; so start fighting.
How is it, no matter how successful, confident, intelligent, attractive, or independent a woman is, she can manage to convince herself she is responsible for all the turmoil in her relationships? How is it no matter how clear-cut a situation, women still blame themselves for anything that can, did, or will go wrong? Remarkably, if the same situation were to occur to any of our friends, families, co-workers, or peers, we would be able to correctly identify the wrong-doer without even blinking. I am not innocent; I am the poster child of “It’s My Fault”. I have the amazing ability to blame myself for whatever happens in a relationship, and to be the first to say sorry in just about any situation (like the time I apologized for putting the toilet seat down at a boyfriend’s apartment.)
Now, I’m not trying to bash men here; that is not my intention. I love men, but we don’t always seem to see eye to eye. Even the ones I consider to be my best friends still perplex and puzzle me (like how they know the major stats of every player on 30 different teams, but can’t remember their mother’s birthday). It’s not that I think they are heartless; they just want what they want. While it is human nature for all of us to seek things that are in our best interests and to satisfy our own personal needs, the men I know seem to be a little more inclined to violate certain emotional rules to attain and satisfy those “needs”. They know how to manipulate women to get what they want (and sometimes they are convinced that they need). They are great at whispering the pretty little nothings in our ears and telling us everything we want to hear. Can you blame them; it works.
It works because women want to be whispered beautiful things. We need to be built up before we give in (and that’s to anything). As time marches on, the whispers lead to our hearts, and eventually our hearts become a little more involved then we would like them to be, or admit they become. For women, it’s inherently a bit harder to “love ‘em and leave ‘em”. We want to “love ‘em and keep ‘em”, at least long enough to feel justified in our attachment…or at least last night’s actions. We want them to want us for as long as we want them (ok, truth be told, we want them to always want us, even when we don’t want them). It’s a pretty simple equation.
(Now, in defense of men worldwide, I know they have hearts, and feel, and have been damaged, but men seem to be made of a thicker, bouncier material, and as such bounce back more vibrantly than the women I know. I want to also acknowledge I have seen, and know, women can be just as manipulative as men. But I’ve seen this most commonly in retaliation for some situation gone astray with the men in their lives.)
Back to the topic at hand...Men have a great knack for pawning off blame. They don’t like to be wrong (unless of course, saying so will get them a little action). Being wrong damages their ego and somehow makes them less of a man. I don’t believe they intend to convince the women in their lives the issue in their relationships is entirely the woman’s fault, but who else are they going to blame if it isn’t their fault? There are two people in a relationship, and if it’s not their fault, that only leaves one other person, the woman.
I am no relationship expert. I haven’t had one healthy or successful relationship yet (although how many single people have? Isn’t that why we are still single?). While I hope this blog produces some laughs, I also hope it provides perspective, insight, and empowerment. Many of the stories relayed are a bit ridiculous, others are a bit more serious, while others may hit a little too close to home. I find seeing these stories through others eyes makes them a bit easier to digest, and ultimately to deal with. I am not here to give out advice or tell you how to find and be in a healthy and happy relationship. I just know too many women who have resigned themselves to be in far-from-perfect relationships. They would rather be unhappy with someone than alone. Is that really the only alternative there is? All I’m suggesting is there are other possibilities. I’m asking you to take a look at who you are, what you want, what you have, what you’re willing to leave behind, what you’re not willing to give up, and to open yourself up to the idea something better exists. This blog isn’t really about the men in the stories; it’s about your reaction to them. Why would you rather just say you are sorry to smooth things out, then to just talk about what’s really going on? Why do we fight so hard for them, but we won’t put forth the same effort for our selves? Maybe you know this, or maybe you suspect this to be true, but you are something special. You are worth fighting for; so start fighting.
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